"Someone once gave my friend great advice "just let life be what it is." Sounds simple, yet it's not easy at all. I just told some of my friends the other day that the main reason I don't want to have another baby is the interruption of my schedule. I can get up early have a little time before the girls wake up to workout and do devotions. If I had another baby this would be gone for at least a year."
Well, with our decision to add to our family, my fears have been realized sooner than I anticipated. My schedule is already shot to heck and I haven't even had the baby yet. Morning sickness, followed by a cold that wouldn't end, insomnia and a 5 year old who's now scared of the dark have taken care of any time or energy I ever had for working out or devotions.
I know I just simply have to be okay with this and "just let life be what it is." There's not much I can do about it. But, I miss it. I miss the feeling of balancing my Bible on one knee and my journal on the other. I miss a hot coffee in one hand and a pen in the other. I miss the quiet. I miss resting in His presence. I miss Him.
Now my day often goes by with learning my weekly memory verse and prayers on the fly as my sole sources of time spent with God. Both are often while I'm listening to an argument about who had what Barbie first, fixing something to eat, or putting in a load of laundry.
Much of my spiritual energy and motivation comes from studying Scripture and when I am unable to do that for long periods of time, I feel a little lost.
It just seems like this is the time in my life when what I need the most is so far from me that I can't see an ending. And the fact that I can't handle anything right now is not lost on me.
I just really, really, really don't like the excuse that "this is just the season of life you're in right now." I think I'm just going to have to figure out a way to worship without resting in worship. And it may just have to be in little snippets of time.
In the beauty that is God.
If you have something that works for you please share!
3 comments:
Oh Tami...my heart hurts for your struggle to balance! I have been using Jemma's nap time and Gracelyn's quiet time (and sometimes nap time)as my chance to read the word and pray. I just try to let other stuff go during that time. I also try to do another shorter scripture read before bed. It's not as in-depth, but I like to fill my mind of good things before sleeping.
Also, when Gracelyn went through a scared of the dark phase, we posted this scripture by her bed: "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." We recite it every night after saying prayers.
OH...Tam...you're gonna get me going on this one!!!
A couple thoughts: One of the challenges is to learn to REST and WORSHIP in the God-given dailies of life. I'm not very good at this one, but I try to embrace what I believe God sees as "the ministry of the interrupted." Can He interrupt you with things that He places on your heart or in your path?? Is He IN your heart as you take care of stuff?? Or are you all about your "schedule" and accomplishing what YOU have determined is important today?? It is WONDEFUL to REST and WORSHIP (and often we must say NO to great things in order to get some of that!)...but worship is the attitude we long to WALK in all day long...resting or racing!!
Another thought: it's all about TRUST. Does God see, or not? Does He love me anyway, or not? Does He love me just as much as the friend I know with the carefully planned & executed QT? Might He just ADORE that I LONG for Him??? Might He have a PLAN for teaching me to trust Him in ALL THINGS....even in missed QTs and workouts. I am just more and more convinced that when we (control freaks that we are) are OUT of control...He is the one who suddenly has control...and that makes us VERY uncomfortable!! We want to measure ourselves against others, or against our "do" list...He just wants us to loves ourselves as HE does....including our messy-I DON'T HAVE IT TOGETHER-ness.
Now, some may read this and say "yeah, but we've got to put in the effort" and "discipline must be learned" etc. True. But if you won't live gently with yourself in your perceived "failings," How will you EVER show God's love and acceptance to others?? Remember, people learn much more by WATCHING your life than they ever do by listening to your "wisdom" on how to live rightly. Do you RECEIVE God's love as if it's reality?? Or is it just available to the perfect?? Does God love us recklessly and ruthlessly IN our fallenness....or does He just love us when we get it right??
Tami...I'd say you are right where God wants you....yearning for more of Him and leaning on Him to see you thru each day!! And it's NOT just a "phase of life," cuz after this phase, is another one where you STILL will be challenged to get it right...and then another one...and then another one!
If I could take you out to LP and stare into your beautiful teary eyes...I would remind you of how CRAZY God is about you and how THRILLED He is with the way you yearn for Him!! You FIND Him in your beautiful girls and your sweet hubby and excellent friends WHILE life is going crazy around you! You are DOING it girl!! And He is proud of you....really, really, really! (Yep, and He told me to tell you that!!)
A very "MK" post, I know! Hope I don't offend anyone with my simple but radical point-of-view!! I really believe we ALL need to learn this stuff more and more and more. "It's His kindness that leads us to repentance..." not His pointy finger wagging in our face...
Love you!
Tami, even as a grandmother, I still struggle with having the quiet time to really worship and spend in His presence. As a young mother, I instituted a prayer time right after lunch. My girls could nap in their rooms, play quietly, or have their own prayer time, but until the timer bell sounded, they were not allowed to come out of their rooms or talk to me or each other. My youngest was 3 at the time. It worked for several years.
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