Thursday, September 18, 2014

Catching a Breath

I just got rid of all things baby at my house. Had a big garage sale and priced so many little clothes that I still wake up dreaming about price stickers. 

As much as I like to say "I'm so glad I'm done having babies," I'm not going to lie, I've lost a few nights sleep over the loss of this stage in my life.  And over the loss of clothes and things my babies used that made me feel those sad-happy-lovey emotions just by looking at them. 

I will never again see the swing that swayed my babies back and forth.  Or the swaddle blankets that wrapped my girls tight as I rocked them. Or my favorite little pair of neon orange Adidas shoes that looked so adorable on my girls' feet.

And this makes me so sad.

It just happened out of the blue.

All of the sudden my baby is 2 1/2 now. And getting bigger with every minute that passes.

This is all very tragic.

It's this line of thinking that gets me in trouble so this is what I'm going to write to remind myself how UN tragic it really is....

First of all, none of my girls liked the swing.  So there is that.

And if I'm being honest, I was not in my prime when my babies were babies.  At times I loathed being needed so very much. And if babies are anything, it is needy.  It downright exhausted me to mother infants.  And be pregnant.  And nurse.  So basically there's a good 8 year stretch of exhaustion that I'm just coming out of.  The fog is beginning to lift.

It almost feels as if I was drowning and just now got a chance to come up for air.  Every day I get a little more breath, a little more air.  And, heck if I don't LOVE the freedom that comes with that air. 

Don't get me wrong, I cherished gazing at my babies while they nursed.  I loved snuggling with them and rocking them.  I miss kissing their wonderfully soft baby cheeks.  These times were precious, irreplaceable. 

But it was also....HARD.  Mentally, physically, emotionally.  It was easily the most demanding thing I had ever willingly done.

While I was in the throes of baby stages, I used to joke with my friends that I was cut out to be a mother of school-aged children.  (It wasn't really a joke, I just presented it that way, lest they think I was a HORRIBLE mother.)  But the truth is, I am cut out much better to mother older children. In fact, I am loving it.

This is what I am cherishing now..... that I have moments where they are all playing outside and I am not needed. I love that everyone can use the toilet. I love having conversations with my kids, instead of breaking up toddler fights.  I love to see the beautiful little people they are becoming inside and out.

Most of all, I love that I am not drowning anymore. I can BREATHE. And to only God be the glory I made it through the infant stages and am still here to write about it.

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