A few months ago I shared how overwhelmed I was with life. I had gotten myself involved in too many things and was in complete meltdown mode.
Read here if you want a recap.
Well, a friend of mine suggested I read the book
Boundaries.
I took her up on it. And I think the book was written about me and for me. Here are just a few paragraphs that hit me between the eyes:
"people with poor boundaries struggle with saying no to the control, pressure, demands, and sometimes the real needs of others. They feel that if they say no to someone, they will endanger their relationship with that person, so they passively comply but inwardly resent."
Totally me.
"if we say yes to God or anyone else when we really mean no, we move into a position of compliance. And that is the same as lying. Our lips say yes but our hearts (and often our half-hearted actions) say no."
Ouch.
"Like fear, anger signals danger....anger tells us that our boundaries have been violated. Much like a nation's radar defense system, angry feelings serve as an "early warning system," telling us we are in danger of being injured or controlled."
The anger...oh, so me.
So, after my mental breakdown I let some things go in my life. Big and little things.
And here's what I feel today:
Freedom.
Complete liberation.
I feel liberated to focus on things that I feel God calling me to do. And do them to the best of my ability.
I recently helped with a community outreach event and normally this would have stressed me to the max. I would have dreaded the time it was going to take me to pull it together, the strain it would have on my family, and the sheer amount of planning, phone calls, and brain power it would take. I would have said, "I just can't wait until it's over with." But I didn't. I actually enjoyed it, looked forward to it even.
Why?
Because it was the only thing on my plate. And, I had time to spend on it. Had time to pray about it. Felt peace about it. It was such a turn around from the way I usually feel when I'm planning something, big or little.
So, after letting almost every commitment go, I came to this conclusion: I was living my life wishing for most of it to be over.
Generally speaking, all my commitments were "good" ones, but I kept waiting for life to slow down. Constantly thinking...
if I can just make it past this weekend, things will get better. If I can get just get one more volunteer for children's church I will feel more peace. Once I get my material read for Bible study and Sunday school I'll feel on top of things.
But once one thing was over, it was quickly replaced by another commitment I had made. And it turned into a vicious cycle that I wanted so badly to stop but could not. After all, what would people think if I said "no?" What would they say if I stopped coming? Stopped helping? I was way too wrapped up in what others would say if I didn't do this or that and I lost focus of what God would have me do.
Well, I'm now focused. Focued on listening to the Lord's voice for what to get involved with. I really only have one commitment outside of my family and it's one that I love and am called to. This also frees me up to do little things for others that would normally stress me out, like make a meal or watch kids in a pinch. It now brings me joy and excitement!
I'm so grateful that the Lord brought me to a place of being completely overwhelmed because it brought about change in my life that needed to happen. I sort of feel like I just cleaned house and now I can find everything that I'm looking for. And we all know how wonderful a clean house feels!
I've finally learned the value in saying "no" and what do ya know? The world will go on if I can't make it or help with it or plan it or do it. Shocking, isn't it?
"Each of you must give as you have made up your mind, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver."
II Corinthians 9:7
