I just got rid of all things baby at my house. Had a big garage sale and priced so many little clothes that I still wake up dreaming about price stickers.
As much as I like to say "I'm so glad I'm done having babies," I'm not going to lie, I've lost a few nights sleep over the loss of this stage in my life. And over the loss of clothes and things my babies used that made me feel those sad-happy-lovey emotions just by looking at them.
I will never again see the swing that swayed my babies back and forth. Or the swaddle blankets that wrapped my girls tight as I rocked them. Or my favorite little pair of neon orange Adidas shoes that looked so adorable on my girls' feet.
And this makes me so sad.
It just happened out of the blue.
All of the sudden my baby is 2 1/2 now. And getting bigger with every minute that passes.
This is all very tragic.
It's this line of thinking that gets me in trouble so this is what I'm going to write to remind myself how UN tragic it really is....
First of all, none of my girls liked the swing. So there is that.
And if I'm being honest, I was not in my prime when my babies were babies. At times I loathed being needed so very much. And if babies are anything, it is needy. It downright exhausted me to mother infants. And be pregnant. And nurse. So basically there's a good 8 year stretch of exhaustion that I'm just coming out of. The fog is beginning to lift.
It almost feels as if I was drowning and just now got a chance to come up for air. Every day I get a little more breath, a little more air. And, heck if I don't LOVE the freedom that comes with that air.
Don't get me wrong, I cherished gazing at my babies while they nursed. I loved snuggling with them and rocking them. I miss kissing their wonderfully soft baby cheeks. These times were precious, irreplaceable.
But it was also....HARD. Mentally, physically, emotionally. It was easily the most demanding thing I had ever willingly done.
While I was in the throes of baby stages, I used to joke with my friends that I was cut out to be a mother of school-aged children. (It wasn't really a joke, I just presented it that way, lest they think I was a HORRIBLE mother.) But the truth is, I am cut out much better to mother older children. In fact, I am loving it.
This is what I am cherishing now..... that I have moments where they are all playing outside and I am not needed. I love that everyone can use the toilet. I love having conversations with my kids, instead of breaking up toddler fights. I love to see the beautiful little people they are becoming inside and out.
Most of all, I love that I am not drowning anymore. I can BREATHE. And to only God be the glory I made it through the infant stages and am still here to write about it.
Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Monday, December 2, 2013
Paybacks
I decided to venture out on Black Friday with all three kids.
Crazy, I know.
My mission was one store, Carter's, to get a cute outfit for my little niece for Christmas. Early bird specials for those who made it before noon, how could I resist? So we went.
It actually went surprisingly well. The girls played happily while I found the perfect outfit and waited in a line 15 people deep. Deal scored. Mission Accomplished.
I decided to reward them with a lunch date at Burger King play place.
Crazy, I know.
What mother in her right mind goes to a play place in the middle of winter? But, we hand sanitizered up and went for it....Burger King crowns and all. We had a great time and were all happy as we jumped in the car to go home.
I was feeling pretty on top of my game as a mother....invincible. I had just successfully navigated my brood through large crowds without losing my mind and was completely fearless about a public germ mine. Pretty impressive.
Then came the ride home.
Not more than 5 minutes passed in the car and Bri was screaming because she had thrown her pacifier and ducky on the floor and wanted them NOW!
As I was playing that dangerous game "reach-as-far-back-behind-you-as-you-possibly-can-while-driving-to-find-the-paci" as so many mothers do, Austyn yelled from the back "mom, my tummy hurts!" Rylie quickly chimed in saying her ear was hurting her too. I figured it was to one-up her sister.
Meanwhile Rylie has been navigating my hand movements, "Mom, the paci is right there, no, to the left, too far! Up, back a little, right there! Mom you missed it!"
Bri, "Waaaaaaaaaa!"
Austyn, "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up! Waaaaaaa!"
Rylie, "Mom my ear is really hurting! I think I have an ear infection....waaaaaaa!"
As I screeched to a halt on the side of the road and watched Austyn dry heave out the window, I thought, "Seriously? It took all of 10 minutes to get sick from the play place. I'm the worst mother ever!"
Then it dawned on me. No. I was the mother everyone hates. I brought the sick kids to the play place.
Ha!
HA HA!
Mwahahahahahahaha. HA!!!! (Insert Mr. Evil laugh from Austin Powers.)
I find this deeply satisfying and I'm not sure why. Paybacks, I guess.
(Unless of course I know you and you were at Burger King on Friday, then I feel really guilty.)
Crazy, I know.
My mission was one store, Carter's, to get a cute outfit for my little niece for Christmas. Early bird specials for those who made it before noon, how could I resist? So we went.
It actually went surprisingly well. The girls played happily while I found the perfect outfit and waited in a line 15 people deep. Deal scored. Mission Accomplished.
I decided to reward them with a lunch date at Burger King play place.
Crazy, I know.
What mother in her right mind goes to a play place in the middle of winter? But, we hand sanitizered up and went for it....Burger King crowns and all. We had a great time and were all happy as we jumped in the car to go home.
I was feeling pretty on top of my game as a mother....invincible. I had just successfully navigated my brood through large crowds without losing my mind and was completely fearless about a public germ mine. Pretty impressive.
Then came the ride home.
Not more than 5 minutes passed in the car and Bri was screaming because she had thrown her pacifier and ducky on the floor and wanted them NOW!
As I was playing that dangerous game "reach-as-far-back-behind-you-as-you-possibly-can-while-driving-to-find-the-paci" as so many mothers do, Austyn yelled from the back "mom, my tummy hurts!" Rylie quickly chimed in saying her ear was hurting her too. I figured it was to one-up her sister.
Meanwhile Rylie has been navigating my hand movements, "Mom, the paci is right there, no, to the left, too far! Up, back a little, right there! Mom you missed it!"
Bri, "Waaaaaaaaaa!"
Austyn, "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up! Waaaaaaa!"
Rylie, "Mom my ear is really hurting! I think I have an ear infection....waaaaaaa!"
As I screeched to a halt on the side of the road and watched Austyn dry heave out the window, I thought, "Seriously? It took all of 10 minutes to get sick from the play place. I'm the worst mother ever!"
Then it dawned on me. No. I was the mother everyone hates. I brought the sick kids to the play place.
Ha!
HA HA!
Mwahahahahahahaha. HA!!!! (Insert Mr. Evil laugh from Austin Powers.)
I find this deeply satisfying and I'm not sure why. Paybacks, I guess.
(Unless of course I know you and you were at Burger King on Friday, then I feel really guilty.)
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Gray Days
The home I grew up in had two large glass sliding doors facing the East. In the morning the sun would stream in those doors, warming the house and leaving 2 large rectangle patches of sunlight on the carpet. In the morning, when time would allow, I would lay in those spaces of sunlight, moving with them as they moved. I loved the warmth, coziness, and comfort of those patches of sun and remember feeling disappointed when the sun rose too high in the sky for them to remain. Then I would will myself to get up and move on with my day.
I am revived by the sun. It is life giving. Energy giving. I feel like when the sun is out, I am on top of the world, able to accomplish my tasks before me. I feel like the Lord is near. His face is shining upon me.
But then, there are gray days....like today. The days when the sun refuses to appear. And I feel down. I am down. The Lord feels far away. I cannot accomplish the tasks set before me. I don't want to. My attitude reflects the weather. I hear every whine. I see every speck of dust...every cheerio in the carpet. Time stands still. Ten minutes feels like ten hours. My calling of staying at home weighs heavy upon me.
As I began this rainy day, I felt very weary of what kind of day I was facing. The Lord met me in my down state with these words and they brought a patch of sunlight into my gray day. Maybe they will for you too....
"No matter what your circumstances may be, you can find Joy in My Presence. On some days Joy is generously strewn along your life-path, glistening in the sunlight. On days like that, being content is as simple as breathing the next breath or taking the next step. Other days are overcast and gloomy; you feel the strain of the journey, which seems endless. Dull gray rocks greet your gaze and cause your feet to ache. Yet Joy is still attainable. Search for it as for hidden treasure.
Begin by remembering that I have created this day; it is not a chance occurrence. Recall that I am present with you whether you sense My Presence or not. Then, start talking with Me about whatever is on your mind. Rejoice in the fact that I understand you perfectly, and I know exactly what you are experiencing. As you continue communicating with Me, your mood will gradually lighten. Awareness of My marvelous Companionship can infuse Joy into the grayest day." - Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
I am revived by the sun. It is life giving. Energy giving. I feel like when the sun is out, I am on top of the world, able to accomplish my tasks before me. I feel like the Lord is near. His face is shining upon me.
But then, there are gray days....like today. The days when the sun refuses to appear. And I feel down. I am down. The Lord feels far away. I cannot accomplish the tasks set before me. I don't want to. My attitude reflects the weather. I hear every whine. I see every speck of dust...every cheerio in the carpet. Time stands still. Ten minutes feels like ten hours. My calling of staying at home weighs heavy upon me.
As I began this rainy day, I felt very weary of what kind of day I was facing. The Lord met me in my down state with these words and they brought a patch of sunlight into my gray day. Maybe they will for you too....
"No matter what your circumstances may be, you can find Joy in My Presence. On some days Joy is generously strewn along your life-path, glistening in the sunlight. On days like that, being content is as simple as breathing the next breath or taking the next step. Other days are overcast and gloomy; you feel the strain of the journey, which seems endless. Dull gray rocks greet your gaze and cause your feet to ache. Yet Joy is still attainable. Search for it as for hidden treasure.
Begin by remembering that I have created this day; it is not a chance occurrence. Recall that I am present with you whether you sense My Presence or not. Then, start talking with Me about whatever is on your mind. Rejoice in the fact that I understand you perfectly, and I know exactly what you are experiencing. As you continue communicating with Me, your mood will gradually lighten. Awareness of My marvelous Companionship can infuse Joy into the grayest day." - Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
Thursday, August 22, 2013
It will be Okay
Today is the first day of 2nd Grade for my girl.
She's so grown up.
As I'm sure many moms are feeling today...I have a mixture of anxiety, fear, loneliness, helplessness, and a little joy too :). It's one of those days that is a good reminder who is really in control here.
And it's not me.
And Rylie's not really mine.
She's His.
As a mother, my very favorite verse is Isaiah 40:11 and today it brings me comfort.
I know the prophet Isaiah is speaking about God's love for the people of Jerusalem here, especially those (lambs) who are weak in the faith or newborn souls. But I have those very same defenseless lambs who live under my roof and this verse paints a picture of unsurpassed beauty to this mother. And I hope it does for you too.
These words bring me peace that passes all understanding. And a promise. It will be okay.
She's in great arms.
She's so grown up.
As I'm sure many moms are feeling today...I have a mixture of anxiety, fear, loneliness, helplessness, and a little joy too :). It's one of those days that is a good reminder who is really in control here.
And it's not me.
And Rylie's not really mine.
She's His.
As a mother, my very favorite verse is Isaiah 40:11 and today it brings me comfort.
He tends His flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in His arms
and carries them close to His heart;
He gently leads those that have young.
Isaiah 40:11
These words bring me peace that passes all understanding. And a promise. It will be okay.
She's in great arms.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Just Breathe
Life has gotten in the way of my blog over the past several months and to be honest, many of my days are focused on just trying to catch my breath.
Okay, Bri just dumped a bottle of shampoo on the carpet. Try not to get angry.
Just Breathe.
What? Austyn wants a snack and we just finished lunch 10 minutes ago. Try not to get annoyed.
Just Breathe.
Rylie's begging to go to the pool again, but bringing a 1 year old with to the pool isn't my idea of fun. Try not to be exhausted already.
Just Breathe.
While much of my breathing focuses on trying to get a handle on myself so I don't go off the deep end, today I read about a different breathing technique. This one is powerful...a life-changer. It's breathing in the Holy Spirit.
In his book Not a Fan, Kyle Idleman shares about a spiritual breathing exercise he learned that helps him to always keep in step with the Spirit. I love good solid advice, especially spiritually speaking, so I thought I would share his words today. (Side note: One of my pet peeves is reading a self-help type book telling you everything you should be doing without any practical advice on how to actually get it done!!) Here is Idleman's advice...
"The teaching of Bill Bright helped me learn to become a follower who is filled with the Spirit. He teaches a spiritual exercise called "Spiritual Breathing." The basic idea is that you live with a moment by moment awareness of the Spirit until walking in the Spirit becomes as natural - as habitual - as breathing. It's just part of who you are. Here's how it works; the moment you become aware of sin in your life you exhale. When you exhale, you breathe out and repent of your sin. Repentance becomes a natural response and clears out space in our hearts for the Spirit to fill us. So the moment you are prideful, jealous, lustful, harsh, selfish, impatient, you exhale and repent of your sin....
And then you inhale. When you inhale you breathe in and pray to be filled with the Spirit and you surrender control over to him. As you practice this spiritual breathing it teaches you to keep in step with the Spirit. Followers live with a continual awareness of the Spirit's presence and a constant prayer to be filled with his power."
I'm thinking if I focus on this breathing technique instead of deep breathing to cool off my temper, I might actually get somewhere :).
Okay, Bri just dumped a bottle of shampoo on the carpet. Try not to get angry.
Just Breathe.
What? Austyn wants a snack and we just finished lunch 10 minutes ago. Try not to get annoyed.
Just Breathe.
Rylie's begging to go to the pool again, but bringing a 1 year old with to the pool isn't my idea of fun. Try not to be exhausted already.
Just Breathe.
While much of my breathing focuses on trying to get a handle on myself so I don't go off the deep end, today I read about a different breathing technique. This one is powerful...a life-changer. It's breathing in the Holy Spirit.
In his book Not a Fan, Kyle Idleman shares about a spiritual breathing exercise he learned that helps him to always keep in step with the Spirit. I love good solid advice, especially spiritually speaking, so I thought I would share his words today. (Side note: One of my pet peeves is reading a self-help type book telling you everything you should be doing without any practical advice on how to actually get it done!!) Here is Idleman's advice...
"The teaching of Bill Bright helped me learn to become a follower who is filled with the Spirit. He teaches a spiritual exercise called "Spiritual Breathing." The basic idea is that you live with a moment by moment awareness of the Spirit until walking in the Spirit becomes as natural - as habitual - as breathing. It's just part of who you are. Here's how it works; the moment you become aware of sin in your life you exhale. When you exhale, you breathe out and repent of your sin. Repentance becomes a natural response and clears out space in our hearts for the Spirit to fill us. So the moment you are prideful, jealous, lustful, harsh, selfish, impatient, you exhale and repent of your sin....
And then you inhale. When you inhale you breathe in and pray to be filled with the Spirit and you surrender control over to him. As you practice this spiritual breathing it teaches you to keep in step with the Spirit. Followers live with a continual awareness of the Spirit's presence and a constant prayer to be filled with his power."
I'm thinking if I focus on this breathing technique instead of deep breathing to cool off my temper, I might actually get somewhere :).
Thursday, September 6, 2012
The Big Leagues
I've decided that having your child go to school is a lot like actually giving birth to your first child. Everyone can give you advice and prepare you mentally but until it's actually here you are oblivious. Nothing quite prepares you for that first day that they're with teachers and classmates more than they are with you.
Talk about anxiety...
Half day Kindergarten was a walk in the park, but 1st Grade? We are in the Big Leagues now.
Who knew that girl clicks started this early?
I hope she's not participating...
And who would've thought my outgoing girl would miss me so much?
Lord, please help her have fun!
Why are sight words so dang hard to memorize?
Yes, an A and a T spell AT....AT....AT!!!! Get it already!
Is it me, or is there only 10 minutes from the time they get home to the time they go to bed?
Sheesh, it's 8 o'clock and we haven't taken a bath, gone over sight words, or read books yet! I'm such a failure!
All these things and a thousand more rush through my head all day. And if I could sum up what I'm feeling most of the time, here's a word for ya...
Helpless.
This is good for me though. It's brought me to a new place, a place where all you can do is pray. So prayer is my constant companion these days. I think when she was home with me all day, I felt more in control so it lessened my desire to pray for her.
It made me realize that feeling out of control is essential to letting the Lord have control. Placing your child (or anything) in the Lord's hands? Not an easy thing to do...especially for a control freak.
I cried even. Called my sister in desperation. Brooded. Sulked. Contemplated home school. My last resort? Prayer. Then I asked a couple other people to pray. Then things began to change....huh.
The next day...
Mom, I made a friend today! It's a good thing you prayed!
The day after that...
My anxiety, gone.
The day after that...
AT...you got it! Now, how are we going to remember THIS?
The day after that...
I love school mom.
Ahhhhh....peace. Peace that transcends all understanding.
Talk about anxiety...
Half day Kindergarten was a walk in the park, but 1st Grade? We are in the Big Leagues now.
Who knew that girl clicks started this early?
I hope she's not participating...
And who would've thought my outgoing girl would miss me so much?
Lord, please help her have fun!
Why are sight words so dang hard to memorize?
Yes, an A and a T spell AT....AT....AT!!!! Get it already!
Is it me, or is there only 10 minutes from the time they get home to the time they go to bed?
Sheesh, it's 8 o'clock and we haven't taken a bath, gone over sight words, or read books yet! I'm such a failure!
All these things and a thousand more rush through my head all day. And if I could sum up what I'm feeling most of the time, here's a word for ya...
Helpless.
This is good for me though. It's brought me to a new place, a place where all you can do is pray. So prayer is my constant companion these days. I think when she was home with me all day, I felt more in control so it lessened my desire to pray for her.
It made me realize that feeling out of control is essential to letting the Lord have control. Placing your child (or anything) in the Lord's hands? Not an easy thing to do...especially for a control freak.
I cried even. Called my sister in desperation. Brooded. Sulked. Contemplated home school. My last resort? Prayer. Then I asked a couple other people to pray. Then things began to change....huh.
The next day...
Mom, I made a friend today! It's a good thing you prayed!
The day after that...
My anxiety, gone.
The day after that...
AT...you got it! Now, how are we going to remember THIS?
The day after that...
I love school mom.
Ahhhhh....peace. Peace that transcends all understanding.
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:4-7
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Injustice
I'm convinced that one of life's biggest injustices is getting sick when you're a mother of young kids. Sick days are hard to come by for a mom. Am I right?
So a couple days ago, after being gone for a week of camping in South Dakota, I tried to scrounge up a healthy lunch for myself with old food in my fridge. (For the last week I've pretty much had a steady diet of hot dogs, chips and Mt. Dew. It was good while it lasted.) What I made for lunch - 2 eggs and a cucumber, tomato, mozzarella salad - I would live to regret over and over that day and into the next.
Food poisoning.
Hit me like a ton a bricks.
I was laying on my deck in misery trying to keep an eye on the kids playing out back when I was forced to get up and sprint to the bathroom. It's been a long time since I've had one of those "I don't think I'm gonna make it!" moments. But, this was definitely one of them.
I apparently disappeared so fast Austyn came in sobbing and said, "Mommy where did you go? I thought somebody taked you!"
The first sprint was quickly followed by a second, during which Rylie tried to find me. After she yelled "mom!" all over the house she finally found me with my head buried in the toilet.
"Ewwwww....you're throwing up. Austyn, mom's throwing up don't come in here!" Meanwhile she stands there just watching and gagging. I'm way too messed up to care.
Then she gets impatient with me and says, "Mom, when are you going to be done? I want some juice." Most likely this was the reason she was trying to find me in the first place.
Up next for Rylie, a lesson in compassion.
**************************
Quick text to my husband:
I need backup.
To which he replies:
I'm hurrying.
I want to text back something mean so he knows I'm in dire straits, but the good girl in me wins out.
**************************
Then, thank the Lord in Heaven, my mother-in-law calls and offers to take the girls. Not sure how many times I've thanked the Lord for her over the last couple days. I mean seriously, what would I do without her?
And now that I'm feeling a little better....look what awaits me.
Injustice. Chips and a Mt. Dew please...
So a couple days ago, after being gone for a week of camping in South Dakota, I tried to scrounge up a healthy lunch for myself with old food in my fridge. (For the last week I've pretty much had a steady diet of hot dogs, chips and Mt. Dew. It was good while it lasted.) What I made for lunch - 2 eggs and a cucumber, tomato, mozzarella salad - I would live to regret over and over that day and into the next.
Food poisoning.
Hit me like a ton a bricks.
I was laying on my deck in misery trying to keep an eye on the kids playing out back when I was forced to get up and sprint to the bathroom. It's been a long time since I've had one of those "I don't think I'm gonna make it!" moments. But, this was definitely one of them.
I apparently disappeared so fast Austyn came in sobbing and said, "Mommy where did you go? I thought somebody taked you!"
The first sprint was quickly followed by a second, during which Rylie tried to find me. After she yelled "mom!" all over the house she finally found me with my head buried in the toilet.
"Ewwwww....you're throwing up. Austyn, mom's throwing up don't come in here!" Meanwhile she stands there just watching and gagging. I'm way too messed up to care.
Then she gets impatient with me and says, "Mom, when are you going to be done? I want some juice." Most likely this was the reason she was trying to find me in the first place.
Up next for Rylie, a lesson in compassion.
**************************
Quick text to my husband:
I need backup.
To which he replies:
I'm hurrying.
I want to text back something mean so he knows I'm in dire straits, but the good girl in me wins out.
**************************
Then, thank the Lord in Heaven, my mother-in-law calls and offers to take the girls. Not sure how many times I've thanked the Lord for her over the last couple days. I mean seriously, what would I do without her?
And now that I'm feeling a little better....look what awaits me.
Injustice. Chips and a Mt. Dew please...
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Moving On
It's been almost 4 months since Bri's been born. Can't really believe it. Most days I find myself being a little sad it's going so fast, because she very well, might, maybe, may be my last. So this week I was blubbering a bit about moving my little friend out of our room and into her own.
By doing this I was saying goodbye to my "newborn" and hello to my big baby girl. While I should be and am excited to get our room back, I can't help but be a little down in the dumps about it. But it's clearly time to move on.
So goodbye my little love.
I will miss having you near and seeing your little bassinet at the end of our bed.
Say hello to your new room and to your first taste of independence from momma. Hopefully you deal better with it than I am....
By doing this I was saying goodbye to my "newborn" and hello to my big baby girl. While I should be and am excited to get our room back, I can't help but be a little down in the dumps about it. But it's clearly time to move on.
So goodbye my little love.
I will miss having you near and seeing your little bassinet at the end of our bed.
Say hello to your new room and to your first taste of independence from momma. Hopefully you deal better with it than I am....
Why in the world would I ever think I wanted a boy?
Monday, May 14, 2012
One for the Books
This Mother's Day was one for the books for me. It was just a great day. Brianna slept from 8:30 pm to 7 am.....hallelujah, praise the Lord, Amen! So I woke up rested and with a good attitude (which is key for Mother's Day.....because you never want high expectations for this day. Kids will still fight. The house will still be a mess. And it's probable that the only acknowledgement you may get is a half-hearted "happy mother's day mom." So I've learned that if you don't have any expectations, everything else is a bonus!).
But I got much more than a half-hearted greeting yesterday. I got 2 girls who bounded up the stairs and yelled Happy Mother's Day mom! I got scrambled eggs and sausage for breakfast from my husband. And my hubs (the one who's love language is gift giving) helped the girls with some special gifts for me.
Have a look...
All these gifts totally melted my heart...but my favorite gift of the day as a mother?
Their daddy showing them how to make a person feel loved and special.
But I got much more than a half-hearted greeting yesterday. I got 2 girls who bounded up the stairs and yelled Happy Mother's Day mom! I got scrambled eggs and sausage for breakfast from my husband. And my hubs (the one who's love language is gift giving) helped the girls with some special gifts for me.
Have a look...
Brianna's gift
 |
| Is it common for a dad to forget how to spell his kids' names? I think I need to take a poll on this... |
 |
| She knows me so well! |
Austyn's Gift
 |
| For some reason Austyn prays nearly every night that I will have enough food to eat. (I think it has something to do with the way we pray for our sponsored children.) I assure her that I have plenty...more than enough if we're being honest. Maybe I should tell her to pray that mommy would excercise self-control... |
 |
| She also knows me well... |
Rylie's Gift
 |
| Rylie loves to "look pretty" each and every day...she is ALL girl :). So this gift is pretty fitting. And, yay! I get to go shopping! |
All these gifts totally melted my heart...but my favorite gift of the day as a mother?
Their daddy showing them how to make a person feel loved and special.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Always Sleep with One Eye Open
So, after a long night with baby, I was trying to catch a few extra zzz's this morning while the girls played. Let's just say when I woke up I was greeted with a surprise...
I don't even want to know where this idea came from...
I don't even want to know where this idea came from...
Friday, March 16, 2012
Fightin' the Frump
I think after you have a baby is possibly the worst body image time in a woman's life. You just sort of feel frumpy, unattractive, and just blah. I mean, let's face it, wearing maternity clothes when you're not pregnant anymore is never fun. To make matters worse, I was watching TV one night and there she was....Heidi Klum. They were showing footage of her walking down the Victoria's Secret runway just 2 months after she gave birth.
Sickening - that's a good word for that.
Pretty sure the word "frump" doesn't exist in Heidi Klum's dictionary and I kind of doubt she and Seal had any conversations like this....
"Oh, I see you've broken out the sweat sheets, ha ha..." Eric said to me after I changed the sheets on the bed.
I had to 86 the flannel sheets in exchange for some light weight sheets because I sweat like a banshee at night right now. I sleep on a beach towel and go through about 2 shirts a night and still have to wash my "sweat sheets" everyday.
Eric reached over and touched my arm the other night and then said, "ack, I can actually feel the steam rising from you." Mmmmm....sexy.
Rylie wanted to wear some sweat pants to school the other day and Eric wouldn't let her. She asked the inevitable "why?"
"They don't look nice...you don't see mommy wearing sweatpants everyday do you?" A quick glance in my direction. "Er, I mean to church, uh work...(fumble fumble).
Sweats are all I fit in right now. Well, that and my maternity jeans.
"Hey babe, I think my tummy went down - I only look about 4 months pregnant today instead of 5...what do you think?"
"Just keep nursing, Tam."
What the heck is that? We all know what avoiding the questions means. If there ever is a time to lie to me, it's now. And that's what I told him.
So this was my comment yesterday.
"Hey, your stomach is looking good!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
:). I'll take it.
Sickening - that's a good word for that.
Pretty sure the word "frump" doesn't exist in Heidi Klum's dictionary and I kind of doubt she and Seal had any conversations like this....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh, I see you've broken out the sweat sheets, ha ha..." Eric said to me after I changed the sheets on the bed.
I had to 86 the flannel sheets in exchange for some light weight sheets because I sweat like a banshee at night right now. I sleep on a beach towel and go through about 2 shirts a night and still have to wash my "sweat sheets" everyday.
Eric reached over and touched my arm the other night and then said, "ack, I can actually feel the steam rising from you." Mmmmm....sexy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rylie wanted to wear some sweat pants to school the other day and Eric wouldn't let her. She asked the inevitable "why?"
"They don't look nice...you don't see mommy wearing sweatpants everyday do you?" A quick glance in my direction. "Er, I mean to church, uh work...(fumble fumble).
Sweats are all I fit in right now. Well, that and my maternity jeans.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey babe, I think my tummy went down - I only look about 4 months pregnant today instead of 5...what do you think?"
"Just keep nursing, Tam."
What the heck is that? We all know what avoiding the questions means. If there ever is a time to lie to me, it's now. And that's what I told him.
So this was my comment yesterday.
"Hey, your stomach is looking good!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
:). I'll take it.
Friday, March 9, 2012
The Dreaded Day
I knew this day was coming, the day my mom had to leave. I just was hoping it wouldn't. What is it about mom's that make everything okay?
How the heck am I going to do this on my own? Especially when we are all such a mess.
This was the scene in our house this morning after mom left...
 |
Austyn said while crying, "now it's just me and you and Rylie and baby...who is going to take care of us?"
I said, "I have no idea."
 |
Rylie cried, "oh mom, I like Nana better than toys!"
I said, "Me too."
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Thankful
Brianna Lee
February 21, 2012
6 lbs. 9 oz
18 3/4 in.
I'm feeling very thankful today to be able to squeeze my little princess.
She swallowed a bunch of amniotic fluid during birth and had to be put on oxygen right away.
It's not easy for a momma to see her baby like this! Especially after very little sleep...it's hard to think rational thoughts.
 |
| This was my first time meeting her |
 |
| Meeting her sisters |
 |
| After a couple days she got moved to the "hood" because she was a little more stable |
 |
| Then just a feeding tube |
 |
| Down to the bili blanket |
 |
| Now off all tubes, here is a pic of her today...yay! |
Here are a few things I'm thankful for today:
Cuddling my baby close
Prayer's of friends and family
The softness of a newborn
The breath of life
Kindness of others
Grandma D.
my mom coming today (I won't even let her talk about what day she has to leave)
so so much to praise the Lord for...
Thursday, February 16, 2012
The Wrong Side of "What If?"
I am not a huge fan of pregnancy pictures of myself, but when Sara asked me if I wanted some taken I agreed. I figured at the very least I should have a few to put in my baby book. This picture has my heart though. To me, it just says it all. I'm excited for this baby. I already love her beyond words. I can't wait to get her in my arms. But, I'm also a little scared of the "what if's."
As I enter the last full week of my pregnancy, I'm ready to meet this girl, but I'm also thinking...
What if things don't turn out the way I envision them?
What if she's sick?
What if she doesn't make it?
What if I don't?
What if she has a defect or a disability?
I hate to go down this road in my mind because, frankly, I start to cry about the "what if's." And then I start to cry for those momma's who have lived out the wrong side of the "what if's."
The longer I'm here on this earth the more I'm realizing that there are no guarantees in this life. There is no controlling it. It's full of pain and heartache and just plain old crappy things that are hard for us to understand.
None of us have to look very far to find a family that has been blindsided by a birth not turning out in the wonderful way they had imagined it. But, when I look at some of the moms I know who have been through more hurt than I can bear to think about, I can see beauty in those ashes. I see the hurting but I also see the strength. I see the struggle but I can also see it being overcome. Most beautiful of all, I see Jesus.
I often ask myself..... how do they go on? How are they smiling, happy, despite the circumstances life has dealt them? How do they stay so strong?
So, without trying to cause any further pain or hurt, I decided to get some perspectives from a few mother's who hold a special place in my heart. They have all been on the wrong side of "what if" and they all inspire me and have touched my life in different ways. I often sit in wonder of their strength and I just love the way they have chosen to live out this hard life that God had planned for them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kimberlee
 |
| Kimberlee and her daughter Ella (born with Down's Syndrome) |
Kimberlee is easily one of the strongest women I know. I often feel like a girl in the presence of a woman when I'm listening to what her days hold. God knew what he was doing when he chose her to be Ella's mom. After I sort of marvel at her courage in standing up for her daughter, she simply says, "I need to be an advocate for Ella because there are others coming behind her."
On her blog a while back she wrote, "My initial reaction {to Ella's birth} was one of unbelief and devastation. I spent many hours crying on a day that was suppose to be the happiest day of my life."
"There are times when I am overwhelmed by life as I currently know it. There is much more prompting and teaching that goes into the dailiness of life than I ever anticipated. I used to never visit the future because it did overwhelm me. Every year that I see Ella developing and growing, I get more excited about her future."
When I asked her to explain this crazy strength she has, she said, "As for a quote on strength...I didn't know what to say about that...kind of weird to talk about myself that way. Ha. I asked my Mom and this is what she wrote, 'You have always been strong in independence...eager to do it yourself. As an adult you have become strong in Spirit. This is what I see now.'"
Andrea
 |
| Graham (born with transposition of the heart valves) |
My sister Ann is one of those moms who could "out-mom" me blindfolded and with both hands tied behind her back. But when her third child was born with a heart defect it sent her reeling. This is what she said of her experience:
"I wouldn't take back our nightmare experience for anything. I saw God perform a miracle right before my eyes and there was a purpose for all of it. I learned that God really is in control and no matter how hard we try to control things ourselves, God knows what is best when it comes to molding us spiritually. I had a lot of anxiety about my children before all of this happened with Graham. I worried about their safety, about accidents and about so many other things that really are out of my control.
...God had to teach me to hand my children over to Him and partner with Him in raising them. (I had to remember that He loves them even more than I do, so He'll do what He thinks is best.)
As hard as it was to see my little man off to open heart surgery and face the reality that I may not see him alive again, the experience made me such a stronger person, more grateful in a lot of ways. I squeeze him a hundred times a day and praise God out loud for healing him so perfectly.
I do have days however, that it's hard to grasp it all. When I visit new mothers and their babies in the hospital, I fight back tears and have some jealous feelings that I didn't get to experience a "normal" hospital stay. Instead of the pampering and quiet time of bonding that usually happens in the hospital, I just had to stand over a hospital bed, looking at him hooked up to so many machines for the first 6 days of his life. I have conversations out loud with God about it all the time. I have to admit that sometimes I wonder why it all happened to me, even though it did make me a better person....I have thoughts like, "What if God wouldn't have answered my prayers the way I wanted Him to?" How would have I responded? Sometimes I start to think about the future for Graham. Will he need another surgery? How will he do going through another one? All of these thoughts go through my mind and I've learned to be honest with God about them and just pray harder on my "down" days."
Charla
 |
| Nealy Shae (August 6, 2002 - June 19 2003) |
"You just have to figure out how to live for your other kids," she told me after I asked how she goes on.
"It has always been hard to express my feelings about Nealy to other people and I feel like I don't make much sense most of the time. It is hard to describe how our life was affected and how we continue on without her. A lot of times we feel guilty that we don't grieve much anymore outwardly....We know we will be with her someday and that is a great comfort.
...while it makes me sad that Nealy is not here, it makes me so happy to know that her life continues to touch people. She was such a ray of sunshine to us."
Malinda
 |
| Brad, Jemma, Gracelyn and Malinda |
 |
| Malinda and baby Gracelyn |
What I love about Malinda is her openness and honesty. She's one of those friends that's refreshing to be around because there's no faking of emotions. She's not afraid to tell you when she's questioning life's injustice, when she needs prayer or when she's rejoicing over something. I can see how her straightforwardness has benefited her and her family greatly as she has struggled down the long road of having a sick child.
After months of doctor's visits, blood transfusions and testing, Malinda's first born daughter, Gracelyn, was finally diagnosed with hereditary spherocytosis. (This is a condition where red blood cells are abnormally shaped and could not pass through her spleen.)
"Through prayer and consultations with our doctors, we decided it was necessary to have Gracelyn's spleen removed. At 2, three years before the preferred age for a splenectomy, Gracelyn was scheduled for surgery.
I can't tell you the agony of knowing surgery was necessary and yet being OK with signing surgical forms saying you understood that death could occur. And yet, both Brad and I were ready for our little girl to feel better...for her to be able to run more than 10 feet without needing to rest, for her to have color in her cheeks! So, on Sept. 27, 2010, Gracelyn had her surgery.
I remember, after the nurse came to tell us surgery had gone well, going to
the bathroom, locking myself in a stall and praising God with tears in my
eyes...knowing He had granted us one more day with our precious daughter.
My husband and I were talking the other day about our kids...wondering if
we had known what lay ahead with our firstborn, if we even would have had
children. I'm not sure...because before you hold your very own child, you have
no idea of the wonderful blessing they will be in your life. Yes, the first
years of life with our daughter were rocky, but God gave us the strength to pull
through. And I think that's the key...no matter what happens, our Heavenly
Father will provide the strength we need, if only we ask!
We recently spent 48 hours in the hospital after Gracelyn ran a 107 degree
fever. We have come to realize that hospital stays will probably be a normal
part of life for us. It's something we have come to terms with, and with God's
help, something we are OK with."
Kathy
Kathy is one of my favorite people to run in to. She is always quick to smile and laugh and is just an overall fun person to spend time with. But what her joyful demeanor doesn't tell you is that she has been through much heartache. She only got to spend 18 hours on this earth with her precious daughter Alyssa. |
| Jacob, Kathy, Lyle, Luke and Kyla (the bunny is in remembrance of Alyssa) |
.JPG) |
| Alyssa Rose |
"...when your baby dies, so does a seemingly perfect dream, all the thoughts of the future and planning that has gone on for months just disappears. My arms literally ached to hold her......Kyla has dreams of having a sister, and brothers can be, you know, in your words "idiots", :) and wishes she were here often, but we know her life is perfect in heaven, with her heavenly Father. We know that through Christ we have an eternal hope and beautiful future. We will just have to wait until our time has come to reunite. I wonder often about what she looks like, her personality, the things any parent would want to know. I think of hugging her and holding her hand as she gives us a very thorough tour of heaven.
I thank God that He allowed
us to hear her cry, look around at us, be held and kissed by us, and sung to
during her short earthly life. Alyssa's life was surrounded by a massively
confusing medical situation (huge other story here), as well as, loving and
urgently praying family and friends. It was an emotional roller coaster ride that
I did not want to be on. I will admit, our faith was very shaken and stretched,
beyond what we thought we could handle. In the beginning of this journey I did
not want to wake up (reality), listen to music, take care of the kids, go out,
worship God, I would have loved to have been able to drug my way through it, but
my Dr. wouldn't let me. When something like this happens you want the world to
just stop and take notice of the tragedy and wait but it doesn't, life keeps
moving on. My life was definitely forced for a while. I did pray and scream
to/at God a lot, and start reading my Bible more looking for answers.
As hard as this is to accept,
and even though Alyssa only lived 18 hours with us, I believe God's purpose for
her life was fulfilled, and that the significance of a her life cannot be
measured by the length of her life. I have asked "why" an untold number of
times, and I know God listens and carries us through these dark days. He is
our Creator and sustainer "He gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say
blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be your glorious name! We just have to
let Him be God in a way we may never understand as Isaiah 55:8 says. Sadly, we
just have to realize that we live in a fallen world, and death and suffering are
apart of it.
I try daily not to take my children for granted. They are truly gifts from God that He has entrusted to us for however long He allows. This is a very hard concept. They are on loan to us as parents, but belong to Him, and letting go is an incredibly hard thing to do. Trusting God in His sovereignty is something I am still pursuing daily.
My thoughts are not consumed by all of this
anymore, but at times, especially holidays and birthdays it can be a struggle.
You learn how to cope with it the best you can, but there is still pain and I'm
guessing there always will be to a degree; you don't just get over it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you to each of these moms and their families for letting me share their life stories.
Your strength as mothers and children of God is so moving.
While I can't see what the future for my precious baby holds, I do know one thing is for sure. Like all of these children above, she is in God's hands and she is fearfully and wonderfully made.
My friend Amy, who has her own story of heartbreak and miracles (definitely worth reading), made this scripture print for me to hang on my nursery wall. I love it.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
The Homestretch
With only 2 weeks to go I'm officially on the homestretch of this pregnancy. I think I've been "nesting" since I got pregnant. My poor husband has had so many "to do" lists, I'm sure he's as ready as I am to have this baby. But, I'm finally winding down and completely out of energy for anything else so I give her permission to come anytime. I would prefer she wait until her scheduled time (wouldn't want to mess up my calendar!), but if it happens I wouldn't be in freak out mode anymore.
If I had to come up with a word for this pregnancy it would probably be this one:
Why does everything all of the sudden become so darn urgent? I go into this mode of thinking that if I don't get this or that done "before the baby" it will NEVER get done! Oh, the drama!
I must change out these ugly plastic blinds NOW!
So Eric did. And I'm very happy and feel peace about it now. Thank you Selectblinds.com for liberating me.
I must get the nursery painted and the wall decal on right this minute!
So Eric did. And I am calmed.
I must absolutely get this storage cleaned out before I go mad!
Ahhhhh....
I must wash every cotton pickin' baby thing I own!
Check.
I must get my old dressers refinished and put them in the girls room, it's just not practical to start using them before repainting them!
Thank you kind husband, I love how it turned out.
And the list went on and on....
I annoy myself just reading this, so as Eric would probably tell you..."just be thankful it's me living with her and not you."
If I had to come up with a word for this pregnancy it would probably be this one:
**URGENCY**
Why does everything all of the sudden become so darn urgent? I go into this mode of thinking that if I don't get this or that done "before the baby" it will NEVER get done! Oh, the drama!
I must change out these ugly plastic blinds NOW!
So Eric did. And I'm very happy and feel peace about it now. Thank you Selectblinds.com for liberating me.
I must get the nursery painted and the wall decal on right this minute!
So Eric did. And I am calmed.
I must absolutely get this storage cleaned out before I go mad!
Ahhhhh....
I must wash every cotton pickin' baby thing I own!
Check.
I must get my old dressers refinished and put them in the girls room, it's just not practical to start using them before repainting them!
Thank you kind husband, I love how it turned out.
And the list went on and on....
I annoy myself just reading this, so as Eric would probably tell you..."just be thankful it's me living with her and not you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This Week's Verse:
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Ephesians 4:29
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
