Fightin' the Frump

I think after you have a baby is possibly the worst body image time in a woman's life.  You just sort of feel frumpy, unattractive, and just blah. I mean, let's face it, wearing maternity clothes when you're not pregnant anymore is never fun. To make matters worse, I was watching TV one night and there she was....Heidi Klum.  They were showing footage of her walking down the Victoria's Secret runway just 2 months after she gave birth.

Sickening - that's a good word for that.

Pretty sure the word "frump" doesn't exist in Heidi Klum's dictionary and I kind of doubt she and Seal had any conversations like this....

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"Oh, I see you've broken out the sweat sheets, ha ha..." Eric said to me after I changed the sheets on the bed. 

I had to 86 the flannel sheets in exchange for some light weight sheets because I sweat like a banshee at night right now.  I sleep on a beach towel and go through about 2 shirts a night and still have to wash my "sweat sheets" everyday.

Eric reached over and touched my arm the other night and then said, "ack, I can actually feel the steam rising from you."  Mmmmm....sexy.

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Rylie wanted to wear some sweat pants to school the other day and Eric wouldn't let her.  She asked the inevitable "why?"

"They don't look nice...you don't see mommy wearing sweatpants everyday do you?" A quick glance in my direction. "Er, I mean to church, uh work...(fumble fumble).

Sweats are all I fit in right now.  Well, that and my maternity jeans. 

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"Hey babe, I think my tummy went down - I only look about 4 months pregnant today instead of 5...what do you think?"

"Just keep nursing, Tam."

What the heck is that? We all know what avoiding the questions means. If there ever is a time to lie to me, it's now.  And that's what I told him.

So this was my comment yesterday.

"Hey, your stomach is looking good!"

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:).  I'll take it.

The Wrong Side of "What If?"

I am not a huge fan of pregnancy pictures of myself, but when Sara asked me if I wanted some taken I agreed.  I figured at the very least I should have a few to put in my baby book.  This picture has my heart though.  To me, it just says it all.  I'm excited for this baby.  I already love her beyond words.  I can't wait to get her in my arms.  But, I'm also a little scared of the "what if's."

As I enter the last full week of my pregnancy, I'm ready to meet this girl, but I'm also thinking...

What if things don't turn out the way I envision them?

What if she's sick?

What if she doesn't make it?

What if I don't?

What if she has a defect or a disability?

I hate to go down this road in my mind because, frankly, I start to cry about the "what if's."  And then I start to cry for those momma's who have lived out the wrong side of the "what if's."

The longer I'm here on this earth the more I'm realizing that there are no guarantees in this life.  There is no controlling it.  It's full of pain and heartache and just plain old crappy things that are hard for us to understand. 

None of us have to look very far to find a family that has been blindsided by a birth not turning out in the wonderful way they had imagined it.  But, when I look at some of the moms I know who have been through more hurt than I can bear to think about, I can see beauty in those ashes.  I see the hurting but I also see the strength.  I see the struggle but I can also see it being overcome.  Most beautiful of all, I see Jesus.

I often ask myself..... how do they go on?  How are they smiling, happy, despite the circumstances life has dealt them?  How do they stay so strong?

So, without trying to cause any further pain or hurt, I decided to get some perspectives from a few mother's who hold a special place in my heart. They have all been on the wrong side of "what if" and they all inspire me and have touched my life in different ways.  I often sit in wonder of their strength and I just love the way they have chosen to live out this hard life that God had planned for them.

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Kimberlee

Kimberlee and her daughter Ella (born with Down's Syndrome)

Kimberlee is easily one of the strongest women I know.  I often feel like a girl in the presence of a woman when I'm listening to what her days hold.  God knew what he was doing when he chose her to be Ella's mom.  After I sort of marvel at her courage in standing up for her daughter, she simply says, "I need to be an advocate for Ella because there are others coming behind her."

On her blog a while back she wrote, "My initial reaction {to Ella's birth} was one of unbelief and devastation. I spent many hours crying on a day that was suppose to be the happiest day of my life."

"There are times when I am overwhelmed by life as I currently know it.  There is much more prompting and teaching that goes into the dailiness of life than I ever anticipated.  I used to never visit the future because it did overwhelm me.  Every year that I see Ella developing and growing, I get more excited about her future."

When I asked her to explain this crazy strength she has, she said, "As for a quote on strength...I didn't know what to say about that...kind of weird to talk about myself that way. Ha. I asked my Mom and this is what she wrote, 'You have always been strong in independence...eager to do it yourself. As an adult you have become strong in Spirit. This is what I see now.'"

Andrea

Graham (born with transposition of the heart valves)

My sister Ann is one of those moms who could "out-mom" me blindfolded and with both hands tied behind her back.  But when her third child was born with a heart defect it sent her reeling. This is what she said of her experience:

"I wouldn't take back our nightmare experience for anything. I saw God perform a miracle right before my eyes and there was a purpose for all of it. I learned that God really is in control and no matter how hard we try to control things ourselves, God knows what is best when it comes to molding us spiritually. I had a lot of anxiety about my children before all of this happened with Graham. I worried about their safety, about accidents and about so many other things that really are out of my control.

...God had to teach me to hand my children over to Him and partner with Him in raising them. (I had to remember that He loves them even more than I do, so He'll do what He thinks is best.)

As hard as it was to see my little man off to open heart surgery and face the reality that I may not see him alive again, the experience made me such a stronger person, more grateful in a lot of ways. I squeeze him a hundred times a day and praise God out loud for healing him so perfectly.

I do have days however, that it's hard to grasp it all. When I visit new mothers and their babies in the hospital, I fight back tears and have some jealous feelings that I didn't get to experience a "normal" hospital stay. Instead of the pampering and quiet time of bonding that usually happens in the hospital, I just had to stand over a hospital bed, looking at him hooked up to so many machines for the first 6 days of his life. I have conversations out loud with God about it all the time. I have to admit that sometimes I wonder why it all happened to me, even though it did make me a better person....I have thoughts like, "What if God wouldn't have answered my prayers the way I wanted Him to?" How would have I responded? Sometimes I start to think about the future for Graham. Will he need another surgery? How will he do going through another one? All of these thoughts go through my mind and I've learned to be honest with God about them and just pray harder on my "down" days."

Charla

Nealy Shae  (August 6, 2002 - June 19 2003)

I didn't even know Charla had lost her first child to a heart condition until a few months ago. (Nealy had pulmonary atresia VSD....She had Tetrology of Fallot, which is 4 defects of the heart, and had an additional defect which was the absence of her pulmonary artery.)  Then I watched Charla's video of Nealy and cried. A lot. How could such a little beauty slip away at only 10 months old?  And how could I not have known?  Our girls, Rylie and Landry, were best preschool buddies and I still had no idea.  It's mainly because Charla has so much joy and zeal for life.  She's so fun to be around I never would've guessed at the pain she's gone through and continues to go through.  But, she doesn't seem jaded or cynical or depressed. To me she just seems so proud of her little girl and the life she lived. 

"You just have to figure out how to live for your other kids," she told me after I asked how she goes on.

 "It has always been hard to express my feelings about Nealy to other people and I feel like I don't make much sense most of the time. It is hard to describe how our life was affected and how we continue on without her. A lot of times we feel guilty that we don't grieve much anymore outwardly....We know we will be with her someday and that is a great comfort.

...while it makes me sad that Nealy is not here, it makes me so happy to know that her life continues to touch people. She was such a ray of sunshine to us."

Malinda

Brad, Jemma, Gracelyn and Malinda

Malinda and baby Gracelyn

What I love about Malinda is her openness and honesty.  She's one of those friends that's refreshing to be around because there's no faking of emotions.  She's not afraid to tell you when she's questioning life's injustice, when she needs prayer or when she's rejoicing over something. I can see how her straightforwardness has benefited her and her family greatly as she has struggled down the long road of having a sick child.


After months of doctor's visits, blood transfusions and testing, Malinda's first born daughter, Gracelyn, was finally diagnosed with hereditary spherocytosis. (This is a condition where red blood cells are abnormally shaped and could not pass through her spleen.)

"Through prayer and consultations with our doctors, we decided it was necessary to have Gracelyn's spleen removed. At 2, three years before the preferred age for a splenectomy, Gracelyn was scheduled for surgery.

I can't tell you the agony of knowing surgery was necessary and yet being OK with signing surgical forms saying you understood that death could occur. And yet, both Brad and I were ready for our little girl to feel better...for her to be able to run more than 10 feet without needing to rest, for her to have color in her cheeks! So, on Sept. 27, 2010, Gracelyn had her surgery.

I remember, after the nurse came to tell us surgery had gone well, going to the bathroom, locking myself in a stall and praising God with tears in my eyes...knowing He had granted us one more day with our precious daughter.

My husband and I were talking the other day about our kids...wondering if we had known what lay ahead with our firstborn, if we even would have had children. I'm not sure...because before you hold your very own child, you have no idea of the wonderful blessing they will be in your life. Yes, the first years of life with our daughter were rocky, but God gave us the strength to pull through. And I think that's the key...no matter what happens, our Heavenly Father will provide the strength we need, if only we ask!

We recently spent 48 hours in the hospital after Gracelyn ran a 107 degree fever. We have come to realize that hospital stays will probably be a normal part of life for us. It's something we have come to terms with, and with God's help, something we are OK with."

Kathy

Jacob, Kathy, Lyle, Luke and Kyla (the bunny is in remembrance of Alyssa)

Alyssa Rose

Kathy is one of my favorite people to run in to.  She is always quick to smile and laugh and is just an overall fun person to spend time with.  But what her joyful demeanor doesn't tell you is that she has been through much heartache. She only got to spend 18 hours on this earth with her precious daughter Alyssa.

"...when your baby dies, so does a seemingly perfect dream, all the thoughts of the future and planning that has gone on for months just disappears. My arms literally ached to hold her......Kyla has dreams of having a sister, and brothers can be, you know, in your words "idiots", :) and wishes she were here often, but we know her life is perfect in heaven, with her heavenly Father. We know that through Christ we have an eternal hope and beautiful future. We will just have to wait until our time has come to reunite. I wonder often about what she looks like, her personality, the things any parent would want to know. I think of hugging her and holding her hand as she gives us a very thorough tour of heaven.

I thank God that He allowed us to hear her cry, look around at us, be held and kissed by us, and sung to during her short earthly life. Alyssa's life was surrounded by a massively confusing medical situation (huge other story here), as well as, loving and urgently praying family and friends. It was an emotional roller coaster ride that I did not want to be on. I will admit, our faith was very shaken and stretched, beyond what we thought we could handle. In the beginning of this journey I did not want to wake up (reality), listen to music, take care of the kids, go out, worship God, I would have loved to have been able to drug my way through it, but my Dr. wouldn't let me. When something like this happens you want the world to just stop and take notice of the tragedy and wait  but it doesn't, life keeps moving on. My life was definitely forced for a while. I did pray and scream to/at God a lot, and start reading my Bible more looking for answers.

 As hard as this is to accept, and even though Alyssa only lived 18 hours with us, I believe God's purpose for her life was fulfilled, and that the significance of a her life cannot be measured by the length of her life. I have asked "why" an untold number of times, and I know God listens and carries us through these dark days. He is our Creator and sustainer "He gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be your glorious name! We just have to let Him be God in a way we may never understand as Isaiah 55:8 says. Sadly, we just have to realize that we live in a fallen world, and death and suffering are apart of it.

I try daily not to take my children for granted. They are truly gifts from God that He has entrusted to us for however long He allows. This is a very hard concept. They are on loan to us as parents, but belong to Him, and letting go is an incredibly hard thing to do. Trusting God in His sovereignty is something I am still pursuing daily.

 My thoughts are not consumed by all of this anymore, but at times, especially holidays and birthdays it can be a struggle. You learn how to cope with it the best you can, but there is still pain and I'm guessing there always will be to a degree; you don't just get over it."

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Thank you to each of these moms and their families for letting me share their life stories. 

Your strength as mothers and children of God is so moving. 

While I can't see what the future for my precious baby holds, I do know one thing is for sure.  Like all of these children above, she is in God's hands and she is fearfully and wonderfully made.

My friend Amy, who has her own story of heartbreak and miracles (definitely worth reading), made this scripture print for me to hang on my nursery wall. I love it.

The Homestretch

With only 2 weeks to go I'm officially on the homestretch of this pregnancy.  I think I've been "nesting" since I got pregnant.  My poor husband has had so many "to do" lists, I'm sure he's as ready as I am to have this baby.  But, I'm finally winding down and completely out of energy for anything else so I give her permission to come anytime.  I would prefer she wait until her scheduled time (wouldn't want to mess up my calendar!), but if it happens I wouldn't be in freak out mode anymore.

If I had to come up with a word for this pregnancy it would probably be this one:

**URGENCY**

Why does everything all of the sudden become so darn urgent?  I go into this mode of thinking that if I don't get this or that done "before the baby" it will NEVER get done!  Oh, the drama!


I must change out these ugly plastic blinds NOW!

So Eric did. And I'm very happy and feel peace about it now.  Thank you Selectblinds.com for liberating me.


I must get the nursery painted and the wall decal on right this minute!

So Eric did.  And I am calmed.



I must absolutely get this storage cleaned out before I go mad!

Ahhhhh....


I must wash every cotton pickin' baby thing I own!

Check.


I must get my old dressers refinished and put them in the girls room, it's just not practical to start using them before repainting them!

Thank you kind husband, I love how it turned out.


And the list went on and on....

I annoy myself just reading this, so as Eric would probably tell you..."just be thankful it's me living with her and not you."

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This Week's Verse:

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Ephesians 4:29

Thanks Laughter

This past weekend was a good one.  It brought me a lot of laughter and happy moments. It was a good transition into Thanksgiving week.  Here were some things that made my weekend...

Laughter

Thanks to everyone who posted their pregnancy stories in last week's blog.  I have been giggling off and on about many of them over the last few days. Mainly because I can relate to so much of it.  In fact, I have had my own "pizza incident" and my own good cry over thinking I'm going to be a horrible mom. Irrationality is just so darn funny sometimes!


Joy

Thanks to Panda Kitchen for opening in our town when I am 6 months pregnant and have the will power of a 2 year old.  My husband will blaze a trail to your doors over the next few months. Sesame chicken and fried rice, I love you.


Happiness


Thanks Breaking Dawn (Part 1) for giving my best bud and me a chance to relive our youth.  Thank you for your cheesiness, your ability to suck us in year after year and the never-ending tension between Edward and Bella.  And thank you for stretching it out into 2 parts so we can do it all over again in a year.

Thanks

Thank you Lord for happiness, joy, and laughter. 

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This Week's Verse:

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was with God in the beginning.  Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.

John 1:1-3

Happy Thanksgiving!

Pregnancy Rage and Shining Moments

When I was pregnant for the first time, it didn't take long before I came to terms with the fact that I had no control over my emotions.

None. 

Whatsoever.

Not only was I all of the sudden overcome with uncontrollable fits of crying and the crankies, but my anger took on a life of it's own.  My sisters and I coined the term "pregnancy rage" because really, it's a special anger and it deserves it's own classification. What makes it so "special" is that it builds and builds and intensifies to the point that you totally freak out on someone.  And after doing that, you don't even feel better you just feel angrier.  And it could last for days, months, or even 9 months...actually.

Unfortunately, with my first pregnancy, my younger sister, Becky, was the object of my rage.  It's something we laugh about now, but at the time, if she even looked at me the wrong way - her head was coming off.  This went on for 9 months.  And, of course, my husband and kids get to see my "pregnancy rage" most often, and if there's not a crown for them in heaven...there will be no greater injustice.

So, not only do I have to try to deal with this rage issue, I also have to endure what I call my "shining moments" of pregnancy.  These are otherwise known as my complete public meltdowns.  You know that One Shining Moment song they play after the college basketball championship game every year?  I've often thought they need to start playing that song while showing clips of pregnant women coming unglued in public.

When I was pregnant with Rylie, over Christmas break I had a complete freak out, crying episode over sleeping on an air mattress. This in front of the family, while glaring at Becky, with my husband saying in the background "let's just give Tami what she wants!"  My family loves this story and now whenever I have an idea or opinion they like to say, "let's just give Tami what she wants." And then everyone bursts out laughing.  It's wonderful...these moments.  They don't just last a moment do they??

My excuse: I was sicker than a dang dog.

And again, while pregnant with Austyn, my "shining moment" came at a wonderful time.  During Sunday School class.  Someone asked how I was doing and I started crying and I couldn't stop. In front of 20+ people.  I eventually just left.  Oh, for the love! 

My excuse:  I hadn't slept in days.

Please don't ask me how I'm doing.

I came pretty close to my "one shining moment" with this pregnancy the other day.  But I made it to the car and out of the public eye before I completely lost it, so it technically doesn't count.  I'll let you know when I've achieved it so we can all enjoy the moment together.



I always find calm, collected, warm and cozy pregnancy pictures to be funny, so I had Eric snap a quick one of me today. In my case it's funny anyway because nothing could be farther from the truth. :) 

I know there are more pregnancy rage stories and shining moments out there, so if you have one, you've gotta share. 

If you need some examples I'll tell on my sisters, I'm sure they'll appreciate it....

Ann cried at a restaurant when she realized the waitress forgot to put the croutons on her salad. 

My other sister Amber, had a Christmas tree die before Christmas so she tried to return it to Home Depot and get a replacement.  They kept going from manager to manager trying to decide if they should let her and she got so mad she started crying.  They quickly came to a decision and said, "ma'am pick a tree and pull your car around."

Missing Time

I remember writing this over a year ago,

"Someone once gave my friend great advice "just let life be what it is." Sounds simple, yet it's not easy at all. I just told some of my friends the other day that the main reason I don't want to have another baby is the interruption of my schedule. I can get up early have a little time before the girls wake up to workout and do devotions. If I had another baby this would be gone for at least a year."

Well, with our decision to add to our family, my fears have been realized sooner than I anticipated. My schedule is already shot to heck and I haven't even had the baby yet. Morning sickness, followed by a cold that wouldn't end, insomnia and a 5 year old who's now scared of the dark have taken care of any time or energy I ever had for working out or devotions.

I know I just simply have to be okay with this and "just let life be what it is." There's not much I can do about it. But, I miss it. I miss the feeling of balancing my Bible on one knee and my journal on the other. I miss a hot coffee in one hand and a pen in the other. I miss the quiet. I miss resting in His presence. I miss Him.

Now my day often goes by with learning my weekly memory verse and prayers on the fly as my sole sources of time spent with God. Both are often while I'm listening to an argument about who had what Barbie first, fixing something to eat, or putting in a load of laundry.

Much of my spiritual energy and motivation comes from studying Scripture and when I am unable to do that for long periods of time, I feel a little lost.

It just seems like this is the time in my life when what I need the most is so far from me that I can't see an ending. And the fact that I can't handle anything right now is not lost on me.

I just really, really, really don't like the excuse that "this is just the season of life you're in right now." I think I'm just going to have to figure out a way to worship without resting in worship. And it may just have to be in little snippets of time.

In the beauty that is God.

If you have something that works for you please share!

Girls are Hard to Beat

I didn't expect the tears to come so suddenly.  Or at all, really.  I guess I wanted it more than I thought.

"Are we sure we want to find out what we're having today?" asked the sono tech.

"Yep," Eric and I said in unison as we smiled in anticipation at one another.  Having two girls already, I was just sure this was a boy.  I had the name picked out and who I would call first and tell.  I envisioned Eric having a little buddy to follow him around.  He would eventually turn into a tall basketball player with lots of Division 1 prospects, a star baseball player, and a state high jumper like his daddy.  Being a 4.0 student, his high school years would be followed by a career in medicine, of course. 

Then I awoke from my dream to a reality I wasn't prepared for.

"Okay, well it looks like another little girl!" said the tech with a smile on her face.  Do you see here where the....

Nothing.  I heard nothing else.  Tears.  Lots of them.  Couldn't stop them.

"What's the matter?" said Dr. Bradley at my follow up appointment.

"I'm having a girl!" I wailed, "and I wanted a boy!!"

"Oh, good, because usually they tell me in advance if there's not a heartbeat or something," he laughed. "It could be worse, the lady who just left here was crying because she just found out she's having twins." More laughter.

Ha. Ha.

It's ridiculous, I know.  I have a healthy baby, what a waste of tears, right?  This is what I kept telling myself.  I guess it's the dying of a dream.  If this is how I reacted to having three girls, learning I have a fourth on the way would definitely be the end of me. This is most likely it for us, unless the Lord has different plans.  But, if I've found out anything in the last few days, it's that the Lord definitely has his own plans!

I always imagined myself having boys. Mainly because I don't like drama and where there are girls...drama is sure to follow.  I grew up with three sisters, I know this better than anyone else.

So, with visions of drama swirling in my head and tears streaming down my face, I texted my family (I wasn't in any shape to talk on the phone):

We're having another girl! Only positive comments are welcome...it's gonna take me a minute to digest this :).

My dad was the first to respond:

Take it from an expert. Girls are hard to beat.

More tears. Sobbing actually.

That was my turning point. My wake up call.  My two little girls at home sure as heck can't be beat, and I know this one still growing inside me would far surpass any boy I envisioned.  After all, girls can play Division 1 too. 

And, that father/daughter bond....take it from me - there's nothing like it.

It's gonna be okay.

Girls are hard to beat.

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This Week's Verse:

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

2 Chronicles 7:14

Rockin' the Gut

Have you heard that country song "Rockin' the Beer Gut?"  You're not missing out if you haven't.  It's one of those songs that you have no idea how it ever made it to radio.

I haven't disliked a song this much since "She Thinks my Tractor's Sexy." 

If you want to lose brain cells, have a listen...

The problem is, I find myself relating to this song and I can't get it out of my head.

It's kind of my anthem right now.

Not that I'm a beer drinker.

I am just in that weird stage of pregnancy that makes it look like I have a beer gut.

Or that I had too much bread at dinner.

Every time I get dressed it pops into my head. Every time someone notices my gut, yep. When my girls look at me wide-eyed and say "man, your tummy is big." There it is....she's rockin' the beer gut, la da da da da.

I suppose I should just own it and rock it, huh?  What else is a girl to do?

Round #3

I took 5 before I really actually believed it.

I feel sick.

And tired.

And cranky, as my posts have probably reflected.

But, more than that I feel blessed. 

Blessed that God has given me another child.

And a little shocked that He thinks I can handle it.

He's due in February.

We're hoping for a boy so I prefer to be optimistic about the "he" part.

What can it hurt?

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This Week's Verse:

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."
Mark 8:34-35

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My friend Anna's adoption recently was covered on Channel 3 news! Check it out!

Make sure to go on her blog to leave a comment about her story! She gets one dollar for every comment left.  Plus you can't help but be touched by the outpouring of support and all the kind words from others!  Might want to keep your Kleenex handy!